Over the years I have had so many people speaking into my life. Some of these have a positive impact and others have left me beaten and broken. I guess you can say that most people face this, and although I know this to be true... it doesn't help much. It is comforting when you find someone who ha been through similar struggles... but you always feel alone. Why? Several things could have contributed to this.
For me, it has always seemed to be my fault that I don't trust people. After my first encounter with a bully I was pretty shaken up. And when it went from one person, to several, I must say it got ugly fast. It started with name calling things such as (and pardon some of these words), "Faggot", "lesbian", "worthless", "ugly", "Fat", "slut", "whore" and many more. while non of these words were true... they still hurt, and after a few YEARS I began to believe them. You can only run from those names for so long. After a while they saw that I was no longer paying attention to them when they spoke to me. I knew that whatever they were going to say would hit me like a dagger, and every person who joined in mocking me would be as if the knife was being twisted, pulled out and the wound soaked in lemon juice. I know that was graphic, but that was the best way I could think to explain how that felt.
After that they graduated to physical bullying. I remember when this started very clearly. I was in 9th grade and I was shoved into a wall. Not the worst thing that happened, but it did surprise me... but it was followed by the expected "Go home Fag". Soon I was coming home with bruises, bloody noses and once I had a bone bruise (and those kill!). All of these physical acts of bullying were followed by word vomit.
So a few years have gone by, and although I no longer have bruises to show. But the pain and effects from those words have lasted longer than I would have anticipated. I don't understand people who tell me "get over it". They can't tell me that there are no skeletons in their closets, that they have a hard time running from. Among those who tell me to get over it are my parents. I have a hard time hanging out with those who hurt me, I always have my guard up and I always protect myself from them. But my parents, who I love, are the ones who have been insistent on getting over it, and treating the situation as if it had never happened. I know that I will never be able to trust these people again. trust has to be earned. It is not something that I give away freely, and so far, they haven't earned it.
But, through all of this I am able to look back and see that God was shaping me. I look back and realize that I am a stronger person for it. And if I had not gone through that, I would not have searched for God and called out to him as desperately for him as I did. Also through this I have come to look for truth... and the only truth I have found that has withstood every test, is God's word. I have never had a reason not to trust the God who made me. I find this truth to be the most comforting and real of any... That God loves me and wants the best for me. I know that through everything God has been pulling me closer to himself and loving me through it. I guess that this is the reason I am still alive, that I am breathing, that I have sought out close friendships with trustworthy people (like those I have at college) and the reason I am the person I am today.
"On my knees dim lighted room thoughts free flow try to consume myself in this I'm not faithless
Just paranoid of getting lost or that I might lose, ignorance is bliss cherish it, pretty neighborhoods you learn too much to hold believe it not and fight the tears with pretty smiles and lies about the times" flyleaf- So I Thought
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Question Mark
Life has a giant question mark over it. We can all relate to those questions that life presents us with.
-Who will I marry?
-Will I even find love?
-What about my family?
-Are they going to be ok?
-Who will stay with me?
-Will I be happy?
While these questions are exciting and mysterious, and can sometimes make us nervous. for me, questions like this are terrifying. Let me give you some examples of how uncertainty scares me.
- While on a flight the announcer comes on and says "we are experiencing technical difficulties" while a normal person might get scared. I start to hyperventilate. people may think I am overreacting, but what they don't know is what is going through my head. "what happens if I die? what about my siblings? will Tabitha still remember me? who would even care? will it hurt? what if I survive but have life altering injuries?". All of this goes through my head very rapidly, and makes it hard for me to calm down and concentrate.
- One day my dad is home an hour late from work. so what do I do? I sit by the door and wait for a phone call or a police officer to tell me that he was in an accident. Why? Because my mind immediately goes to the worst possible scenario.
Have I tried not to get psyched out? not to think of the worst possible situation? To calm down? Yes I have. My parents, even though they do admit that I do have anxiety. Haven't quite grasped how bad it is. did my mom ask me what was wrong when I didn't move from the door for an hour? Yes. Did I tell her why I hadn't? Yes. Is it obvious that things that don't go according to plan scares me? Heck Yes!!!! But do I let it stop me? no.
Anxiety has actually led to some OCD-like symptoms in my life. Not because I have OCD, but because the routine of doing things the same way every day. take the guess work out of life. much of what I do helps to calm my anxiety at night when I won't be able to take control of in my sleep. I first go around my house and make sure my siblings are sleeping soundly in their beds. Then I go through again and make sure there are no fire hazards (we had a fire when I was a kid). Then I make sure all the doors are locked and make sure all of the electrical chords are either plugged in all the way, or taken out. Then I check the chords on my TV and DVD player, check the temperature and chords of my heated blanket, check the temperature of my night light and make sure there is no paper near any outlet.
This may seem extreme. But it takes a lot of the guess work out of life, and gives me peace of mind while I sleep. That is just one way that Anxiety gets in my way. I spend a good hour getting ready for bed because I have to check all of this... but at least it helps. Maybe one day I'll be able to go to bed without all of this. but for now. I'll do what I have to, in order to feel safe. And just know that true safety is in the hands of God.
-Who will I marry?
-Will I even find love?
-What about my family?
-Are they going to be ok?
-Who will stay with me?
-Will I be happy?
While these questions are exciting and mysterious, and can sometimes make us nervous. for me, questions like this are terrifying. Let me give you some examples of how uncertainty scares me.
- While on a flight the announcer comes on and says "we are experiencing technical difficulties" while a normal person might get scared. I start to hyperventilate. people may think I am overreacting, but what they don't know is what is going through my head. "what happens if I die? what about my siblings? will Tabitha still remember me? who would even care? will it hurt? what if I survive but have life altering injuries?". All of this goes through my head very rapidly, and makes it hard for me to calm down and concentrate.
- One day my dad is home an hour late from work. so what do I do? I sit by the door and wait for a phone call or a police officer to tell me that he was in an accident. Why? Because my mind immediately goes to the worst possible scenario.
Have I tried not to get psyched out? not to think of the worst possible situation? To calm down? Yes I have. My parents, even though they do admit that I do have anxiety. Haven't quite grasped how bad it is. did my mom ask me what was wrong when I didn't move from the door for an hour? Yes. Did I tell her why I hadn't? Yes. Is it obvious that things that don't go according to plan scares me? Heck Yes!!!! But do I let it stop me? no.
Anxiety has actually led to some OCD-like symptoms in my life. Not because I have OCD, but because the routine of doing things the same way every day. take the guess work out of life. much of what I do helps to calm my anxiety at night when I won't be able to take control of in my sleep. I first go around my house and make sure my siblings are sleeping soundly in their beds. Then I go through again and make sure there are no fire hazards (we had a fire when I was a kid). Then I make sure all the doors are locked and make sure all of the electrical chords are either plugged in all the way, or taken out. Then I check the chords on my TV and DVD player, check the temperature and chords of my heated blanket, check the temperature of my night light and make sure there is no paper near any outlet.
This may seem extreme. But it takes a lot of the guess work out of life, and gives me peace of mind while I sleep. That is just one way that Anxiety gets in my way. I spend a good hour getting ready for bed because I have to check all of this... but at least it helps. Maybe one day I'll be able to go to bed without all of this. but for now. I'll do what I have to, in order to feel safe. And just know that true safety is in the hands of God.
Thursday, August 7, 2014
A Look Into the Struggle
Life with anxiety is very interesting. I think that there is such a stigma attached to anybody who struggles with depression, anxiety, self harm and even ADD that we don't talk about it and we face these problems on our own. But I want to help everyone out there realize that I am a normal person struggling with an actual, common struggle. There are several things that may lead a person to be anxious. As for me. I have always been this way, well... at least as far back as I can remember. I can honestly would love not to feel anything than feel the way I do on a regular basis. All of this emotion, confusion, anger and fear built up inside me until I explode. It kind of can be compared to the feeling you get when you drink too much coffee. You get all jittery, chest feels slightly tight, the butterflies in your stomach and the dizziness that some may feel are all associated with anxiety. Many people may think that anxiety is a choice. Something that I can have complete control over. While I can control it to some extent, sometimes I do lose control of it. Although I have gotten better at controlling my anxiety. I know this is a struggle that will last a long time. It's not that I don't trust in the plans God has for me, or that he has complete control over my life. If anything it gives me comfort. But it's the uncertainty of life, the lies that have been spoken into my life, the past moments in my life and unhealthy friendships in my life. I will shorty touch base on each of these, then go more in depth as we take an even closer look into my life.
- Uncertainty: Definitely something that increases my stress level, therefore increasing my anxiety. I hate when life takes an unexpected turn. My stress level jumps when I hit a road bump. I need routine. This is one of the reasons I always have a mental routine in my head so I know what I am doing and when I am going to do it. This takes a lot of the guess work out of life, and helps me to focus on what is happening and not what could happen.
- Lies: There are so many lies being constantly fed into our lives. The trouble with this is that if someone says that something is wrong with me, I will believe it. I will notice every little thing I do and how it is related to what I was told. Am I really that fat? Could I be that stupid? What if I am not worth anything?.. Those questions and thoughts only feed my anxiety.
- Past: Certain circumstances in our lives can really scar us. Whether it be abuse, poor relationships, choices we have made, family problems, death, suicide or even a simple car accident can really reek havoc on our emotions and the way we perceive the world.
-Unhealthy Friendships: We all have those unhealthy relationships that we look back on and think. "what the crap happened there?". Well I have had several of those moments in my life. Most of which started when I entered Junior High youth group and was bullied by my, so called, best friend from elementary school. I wasn't like them. I was homeschooled, so I wasn't in the same "social group" as them. I was an anxious child, but back then it came out as anger. I was an easy target, I was passive when they would bully me. And I was small... Imagine being in the 18th percentile for height in middle school. not fun! so long story short several bruises, shoves, names and bloody noses later. I shook myself free of them after 3 years... 3 years can do a lot of damage.
I look forward to searching these issues with you. I honestly can't say that I fully understand them myself but here is what I do know...
1) God has me in his hands no matter what life my throw at me.
2) No matter what anyone else says, God says that he loves me.
3) The past may sting, but even the deepest wounds will heal.
4) No matter what your friends do, you will always find people who love you no matter what.
How have I figured this out? Well first of all God clearly states in Jeremiah 29:11, that he plans to help us prosper, not fall. Second, John 3:16 says that God so loved the world... that means everyone, including me so much that he would die for us! Third, 1 Peter. 2:24 talks about God removing all of our wounds and healing us. And fourth, John 15: 12-15 lays out how we are supposed to love each other. And those who are true followers of Christ, will listen and love no matter what... and we also have the savior of the world as our friend!
"The warmth of your embrace. Melts my frostbitten spirit. You speak the truth and I hear it. The words are I love you, and I have to believe in you, but who are you. You are the truth. I'm screaming these lies. You are the truth. Saving my life." Red Sam- Flyleaf
- Uncertainty: Definitely something that increases my stress level, therefore increasing my anxiety. I hate when life takes an unexpected turn. My stress level jumps when I hit a road bump. I need routine. This is one of the reasons I always have a mental routine in my head so I know what I am doing and when I am going to do it. This takes a lot of the guess work out of life, and helps me to focus on what is happening and not what could happen.
- Lies: There are so many lies being constantly fed into our lives. The trouble with this is that if someone says that something is wrong with me, I will believe it. I will notice every little thing I do and how it is related to what I was told. Am I really that fat? Could I be that stupid? What if I am not worth anything?.. Those questions and thoughts only feed my anxiety.
- Past: Certain circumstances in our lives can really scar us. Whether it be abuse, poor relationships, choices we have made, family problems, death, suicide or even a simple car accident can really reek havoc on our emotions and the way we perceive the world.
-Unhealthy Friendships: We all have those unhealthy relationships that we look back on and think. "what the crap happened there?". Well I have had several of those moments in my life. Most of which started when I entered Junior High youth group and was bullied by my, so called, best friend from elementary school. I wasn't like them. I was homeschooled, so I wasn't in the same "social group" as them. I was an anxious child, but back then it came out as anger. I was an easy target, I was passive when they would bully me. And I was small... Imagine being in the 18th percentile for height in middle school. not fun! so long story short several bruises, shoves, names and bloody noses later. I shook myself free of them after 3 years... 3 years can do a lot of damage.
I look forward to searching these issues with you. I honestly can't say that I fully understand them myself but here is what I do know...
1) God has me in his hands no matter what life my throw at me.
2) No matter what anyone else says, God says that he loves me.
3) The past may sting, but even the deepest wounds will heal.
4) No matter what your friends do, you will always find people who love you no matter what.
How have I figured this out? Well first of all God clearly states in Jeremiah 29:11, that he plans to help us prosper, not fall. Second, John 3:16 says that God so loved the world... that means everyone, including me so much that he would die for us! Third, 1 Peter. 2:24 talks about God removing all of our wounds and healing us. And fourth, John 15: 12-15 lays out how we are supposed to love each other. And those who are true followers of Christ, will listen and love no matter what... and we also have the savior of the world as our friend!
"The warmth of your embrace. Melts my frostbitten spirit. You speak the truth and I hear it. The words are I love you, and I have to believe in you, but who are you. You are the truth. I'm screaming these lies. You are the truth. Saving my life." Red Sam- Flyleaf
Monday, August 4, 2014
A Quick Look
Come in and see the world through my eyes. I know that this may be a strange or cheesy thing to say. but what else can I say to you to tell you what this blog is all about. For me writing has always been a way for me to escape my life. I would write about anything and everything... except my life. Well that's over and done with now.
So you may have some questions already, such as;
-"What does she mean by, 'the world through her eyes'?"
- "what could she possibly see differently?"
- and "what is this blog about?"
Well this "Quick look" will answer all of your questions.
First of all, let me introduce myself to you. My name is Alessandra. But many of my friends call me Alli. I have been living in the same home for the past 12 years. Most people would want to move and change their scenery, or even move south after that long of a time. But for me. The consistency of living in a small neighborhood with hardly anything changing has been a comfort to me. I thrive when I am in a consistent environment. Nothing much changes around here. as a matter of fact, most people don't even know we exist. Even those who live less than 5 minutes away don't know where I live... it doesn't even show up on mapquest! The only thing that ever changes around here is when there is a "for sale" sign in the lawn of one of our neighbors. They are all in their 80's so usually that sign is accompanied with a funeral. and I know that sounds mean, but sometimes the grumpy people who live around here can definitely get on your nerves. like the other day when the neighbor's kid got hit by an old woman driving a truck. He was ok, but he did really hurt his leg. and all the old lady was concerned about was her car. like, seriously. she is yelling at this poor kid who has been traumatized because she decided that she would speed down the road and not watch the children who were playing in the yard.
But other than that its quiet around here. Especially when I take my walk at night! Honestly that is my favorite thing to do. I love how quiet it is! Every day I take the same walk, at the same time, to the same places. Now that may seem OCD. But it is just me wanting some form of consistency in my life, which is so hard to get when you live in a house with 7 other people. My parents, my five younger siblings and me have been living together and homeschooling in this house for 12 years. My siblings are what makes my world go around! there is Chelsea (17), Damian (13), Naomi (11), Nathaniel (9), and Tabitha (6). All of whom I am very close with.
Now I guess you can see the pattern of me needing consistency. The reason behind this is that I suffer from severe anxiety. This isn't a new development. As a matter of fact I have had anxiety since I was 6 years old. I don't take any medications because I have found my own ways of coping without needing it. music, writing, walking, singing and just sleeping have proved to work very well in helping me get through my life without medication. Because of my anxiety I have over the years developed my own little world inside my head. This isn't schizophrenia or something like that. it's more of my happy place or coping mechanism than anything else. I have used this technique ever since I was a child. and eventually I wrote a book on all these characters. to some people they may just be characters on a page. But for me I have developed them so much that they are more a part of me than just ideas inside my head. I'm sure that many writers would agree that the characters you write about have a special place in your heart.
Since I have been writing from the age of 13. The way I see things has definitely changed from a very literal and realistic way of seeing things. To a more descriptive and imaginative way of seeing things. such as when I see the sunset. I don't just look at it and say it is beautiful. I will literally start describing it in my head. What color is it? how would I describe the color? what do the clouds remind me of? where have I been where I've seen a sunset like this before? When describing people it is always their looks and their personality. What color are their eyes (describe in detail using examples)? how would I describe their face? skin tone? hair color? style? does their personality match their looks? are they charming? rude? funny? sweet? tool? player? all of this happens when I meet new people and as I develop a relationship with them I also develop their description. All of this is just a gimps into what it means to see life through my eyes.
So you may have some questions already, such as;
-"What does she mean by, 'the world through her eyes'?"
- "what could she possibly see differently?"
- and "what is this blog about?"
Well this "Quick look" will answer all of your questions.
First of all, let me introduce myself to you. My name is Alessandra. But many of my friends call me Alli. I have been living in the same home for the past 12 years. Most people would want to move and change their scenery, or even move south after that long of a time. But for me. The consistency of living in a small neighborhood with hardly anything changing has been a comfort to me. I thrive when I am in a consistent environment. Nothing much changes around here. as a matter of fact, most people don't even know we exist. Even those who live less than 5 minutes away don't know where I live... it doesn't even show up on mapquest! The only thing that ever changes around here is when there is a "for sale" sign in the lawn of one of our neighbors. They are all in their 80's so usually that sign is accompanied with a funeral. and I know that sounds mean, but sometimes the grumpy people who live around here can definitely get on your nerves. like the other day when the neighbor's kid got hit by an old woman driving a truck. He was ok, but he did really hurt his leg. and all the old lady was concerned about was her car. like, seriously. she is yelling at this poor kid who has been traumatized because she decided that she would speed down the road and not watch the children who were playing in the yard.
But other than that its quiet around here. Especially when I take my walk at night! Honestly that is my favorite thing to do. I love how quiet it is! Every day I take the same walk, at the same time, to the same places. Now that may seem OCD. But it is just me wanting some form of consistency in my life, which is so hard to get when you live in a house with 7 other people. My parents, my five younger siblings and me have been living together and homeschooling in this house for 12 years. My siblings are what makes my world go around! there is Chelsea (17), Damian (13), Naomi (11), Nathaniel (9), and Tabitha (6). All of whom I am very close with.
Now I guess you can see the pattern of me needing consistency. The reason behind this is that I suffer from severe anxiety. This isn't a new development. As a matter of fact I have had anxiety since I was 6 years old. I don't take any medications because I have found my own ways of coping without needing it. music, writing, walking, singing and just sleeping have proved to work very well in helping me get through my life without medication. Because of my anxiety I have over the years developed my own little world inside my head. This isn't schizophrenia or something like that. it's more of my happy place or coping mechanism than anything else. I have used this technique ever since I was a child. and eventually I wrote a book on all these characters. to some people they may just be characters on a page. But for me I have developed them so much that they are more a part of me than just ideas inside my head. I'm sure that many writers would agree that the characters you write about have a special place in your heart.
Since I have been writing from the age of 13. The way I see things has definitely changed from a very literal and realistic way of seeing things. To a more descriptive and imaginative way of seeing things. such as when I see the sunset. I don't just look at it and say it is beautiful. I will literally start describing it in my head. What color is it? how would I describe the color? what do the clouds remind me of? where have I been where I've seen a sunset like this before? When describing people it is always their looks and their personality. What color are their eyes (describe in detail using examples)? how would I describe their face? skin tone? hair color? style? does their personality match their looks? are they charming? rude? funny? sweet? tool? player? all of this happens when I meet new people and as I develop a relationship with them I also develop their description. All of this is just a gimps into what it means to see life through my eyes.
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