Question Mark

Life has a giant question mark over it. We can all relate to those questions that life presents us with.

-Who will I marry?
-Will I even find love?
-What about my family?
-Are they going to be ok?
-Who will stay with me?
-Will I be happy?

While these questions are exciting and mysterious, and can sometimes make us nervous. for me, questions like this are terrifying. Let me give you some examples of how uncertainty scares me.

- While on a flight the announcer comes on and says "we are experiencing technical difficulties" while a normal person might get scared. I start to hyperventilate. people may think I am overreacting, but what they don't know  is what is going through my head. "what happens if I die? what about my siblings? will Tabitha still remember me? who would even care? will it hurt? what if I survive but have life altering injuries?". All of this goes through my head very rapidly, and makes it hard for me to calm down and concentrate.

- One day my dad is home an hour late from work. so what do I do? I sit by the door and wait for a phone call or a police officer to tell me that he was in an accident. Why? Because my mind immediately goes to the worst possible scenario.

Have I tried not to get psyched out? not to think of the worst possible situation? To calm down? Yes I have. My parents, even though they do admit that I do have anxiety. Haven't quite grasped how bad it is. did my mom ask me what was wrong when I didn't move from the door for an hour? Yes. Did I tell her why I hadn't? Yes. Is it obvious that things that don't go according to plan scares me? Heck Yes!!!! But do I let it stop me? no.

Anxiety has actually led to some OCD-like symptoms in my life. Not because I have OCD, but because the routine of doing things the same way every day. take the guess work out of life. much of what I do helps to calm my anxiety at night when I won't be able to take control of in my sleep. I first go around my house and make sure my siblings are sleeping soundly in their beds. Then I go through again and make sure there are no fire hazards (we had a fire when I was a kid). Then I make sure all the doors are locked and make sure all of the electrical chords are either plugged in all the way, or taken out. Then I check the chords on my TV and DVD player, check the temperature and chords of my heated blanket, check the temperature of my night light and make sure there is no paper near any outlet.

This may seem extreme. But it takes a lot of the guess work out of life, and gives me peace of mind while I sleep. That is just one way that Anxiety gets in my way. I spend a good hour getting ready for bed because I have to check all of this... but at least it helps. Maybe one day I'll be able to go to bed without all of this. but for now. I'll do what I have to, in order to feel safe. And just know that true safety is in the hands of God.