The Only Truth

Over the years I have had so many people speaking into my life. Some of these have a positive impact and others have left me beaten and broken. I guess you can say that most people face this, and although I know this to be true... it doesn't help much. It is comforting when you find someone who ha been through similar struggles... but you always feel alone. Why? Several things could have contributed to this.

For me, it has always seemed to be my fault that I don't trust people. After my first encounter with a bully I was pretty shaken up. And when it went from one person, to several, I must say it got ugly fast. It started with name calling things such as (and pardon some of these words), "Faggot", "lesbian", "worthless", "ugly", "Fat", "slut", "whore" and many more. while non of these words were true... they still hurt, and after a few YEARS I began to believe them. You can only run from those names for so long. After a while they saw that I was no longer paying attention to them when they spoke to me. I knew that whatever they were going to say would hit me like a dagger, and every person who joined in mocking me would be as if the knife was being twisted, pulled out and the wound soaked in lemon juice. I know that was graphic, but that was the best way I could think to explain how that felt.

After that they graduated to physical bullying. I remember when this started very clearly. I was in 9th grade and I was shoved into a wall. Not the worst thing that happened, but it did surprise me... but it was followed by the expected "Go home Fag". Soon I was coming home with bruises, bloody noses and once I had a bone bruise (and those kill!). All of these physical acts of bullying were followed  by word vomit.

So a few years have gone by, and although I no longer have bruises to show. But the pain and effects from those words have lasted longer than I would have anticipated. I don't understand people who tell me "get over it". They can't tell me that there are no skeletons in their closets, that they have a hard time running from. Among those who tell me to get over it are my parents. I have a hard time hanging out with those who hurt me, I always have my guard up and I always protect myself from them. But my parents, who I love, are the ones who have been insistent on getting over it, and treating the situation as if it had never happened. I know that I will never be able to trust these people again. trust has to be earned. It is not something that I give away freely, and so far, they haven't earned it.

But, through all of this I am able to look back and see that God was shaping me. I look back and realize that I am a stronger person for it. And if I had not gone through that, I would not have searched for God and called out to him as desperately for him as I did. Also through this I have come to look for truth... and the only truth I have found that has withstood every test, is God's word. I have never had a reason not to trust the God who made me. I find this truth to be the most comforting and real of any... That God loves me and wants the best for me. I know that through everything God has been pulling me closer to himself and loving me through it. I guess that this is the reason I am still alive, that I am breathing, that I have sought out close friendships with trustworthy people (like those I have at college) and the reason I am the person I am today.


"On my knees dim lighted room thoughts free flow try to consume myself in this I'm not faithless
Just paranoid of getting lost or that I might lose, ignorance is bliss cherish it, pretty neighborhoods you learn too much to hold believe it not and fight the tears with pretty smiles and lies about the times" flyleaf- So I Thought